Oh No, I Did it Again! How to Respond When You’ve Misgendered Someone

There are times that we make honest mistakes that go from bad to worse when we don’t know how to respond. Have you ever congratulated a woman on her pregnancy only to be corrected that she is not expecting?  The more you tried to explain yourself, the more the awkward the situation became.  What about the time that you engaged in gossip about a coworker while in the rest room when surprisingly they emerged from a stall - hitting you with the realization that they heard every word? Perhaps you became defensive, shrugged it off or tried to apologize. The point is that the damage had already been done and you can’t undo it.  The best option is to acknowledge the mistake, avoid excuses and work to prevent further damage.  

When we accidentally use incorrect pronouns, we misgender individuals of the LGBTQ community.  This can create an uncomfortable, upsetting or even humiliating situation for our LGBTQ colleagues.  As a result, we may become disappointed in ourselves or feel awful that we got it wrong.  I remember a typical Monday morning and as usual, the line at the coffee shop was practically out of the door. After 10 minutes in line and three customers away from ordering, I noticed two colleagues entering – one of whom I knew very well, Tasha. I texted Tasha and offered to order their drinks so that they could avoid the long wait. Ten seconds later, they were standing beside me to tell me their drinks. Tasha and I exchanged niceties for a few seconds and then she turned to our colleague and said, “I’m not sure whether you’ve met Kylie, she, oh, I mean they are our new project manager.”  Before Kylie and  I could utter a word,  Tasha continued, “Oh my God! I’m so sorry. I did it again. I feel terrible. This must happen to you all the time. I’ll do better next time. I promise”  There’s no question that the moment was very uncomfortable for all of us. It seemed that Kylie wanted it to move quickly past it when they shrugged their shoulders and uttered a dry one-word dry response, “Okay.”  I rushed to change the subject by welcoming Kylie to the team and letting them know that I was looking forward to working together. Though nothing else was said about the faux pas on the short trip back to the office, the air felt thick, and I could not help but wonder how Kylie felt in that moment. I didn’t know Kylie well enough to read their facial expressions, but their reaction spoke volumes to me. Kylie seemed to withdraw, and the long-drawn-out apology just seemed to exasperate Kylie’s feelings of embarrassment. It’s as if Tasha was waiting for Kylie to say something to interrupt the apology with a comment  like “It’s no big deal - don’t worry about it,“  so that she could feel better about herself. The situation goes from bad to worse when the person who just got misgendered has to soothe the emotions of the person who just misgendered them.  Tasha made an honest mistake and was overcompensating for it. Unknowingly, despite Tasha’s best effort, she was making things worse by the second.  

Though we may have the  best intentions, blunders happen and when they do, how we react in the moment is critical. Our reaction to the situation will either minimize the harm that’s been caused or exacerbate it. If you are a cisgendered heterosexual, you may not think it to be a big deal and folks are making a big fuss out of nothing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Gender identity is a personal sense of self. It’s how someone conceptualizes their own gender. Getting familiar with the terminology is a sign of respect and positions us to better understand ways to be supportive. To replay the Tasha episode, it would have been best for Kylie if Tasha had ended the botched introduction with an apology i.e.,” I’m not sure whether you’ve met Kylie, she, oh, I mean they are our new project manager – sorry about that Kylie.” Period. The end. Everyone would have recognized that a mistake was made as well as corrected and we could have continued with the natural flow of conversation. The sincere apology centered on Kylie which can help build trust and psychological safety. Tasha’s rant centered on herself and may have caused Kylie to feel badly in that using their correct pronoun was troublesome.  While Tasha’s feelings of “I’m so sorry. I did it again. I feel terrible. This must happen to you all the time. I’ll do better next time. I promise” are representative of her true sentiments; it’s best that they are left unsaid.  Let your actions speak louder than your words. Further, when you’ve accidentally misgendered someone,  don’t become defensive, act as if nothing happened or blame others for being too sensitive. More than likely, situations like these are not isolated incidents and can feel like death by a thousand cuts for our LGBTQ coworkers who experience situations like this daily. Being mindful of  gender pronouns is new for many of us and we must endeavor to make appropriate pronoun use the default.